I know my acne doesn't define me.
I've said that before. I've written about it before. And I genuinely believe it.
I know I'm beautiful with or without clear skin. I know my worth has absolutely nothing to do with what my face looks like on any given day. I know acne isn't my fault.
But you know what?
I still really freaking wish I didn't have it.
And I think there's room for both.
Since my last blog, I've thought a lot about what it actually feels like to be in this season of my skin again.
Because knowing all the right things doesn't magically make acne emotionally easy.
I know what acne is.
I know how to care for my skin.
I know what ingredients I should and shouldn't be putting on it.
I know I shouldn't pick.
And yet I have caught myself picking at scabs on my face while literally having a conversation with someone.
I wake up and wonder how many new breakouts I'll find.
I touch my face and immediately feel every little bump.
I look in the mirror and notice things I wish I could unsee.
And sometimes I just feel exhausted.
Not because I'm doing nothing.
But because sometimes it feels like I'm thinking about my skin all day long.
I think about what I eat.
I think about my hair products.
I think about my makeup.
I think about my body products.
I think about whether something I'm wearing could be irritating my skin.
I think about when I last changed my pillowcase.
I think about whether I have a clean towel to dry my face with.
I've literally found myself scanning endless ingredient lists through pore-clogging ingredient checkers because I'm afraid of putting the wrong thing anywhere near my face.
At some point you just want to scream:
CAN I PLEASE JUST EXIST WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT MY SKIN?
And that's the part of acne that I don't think people who haven't experienced it always understand.
It's not just about whether someone else thinks you look bad.
Honestly, I know most people aren't looking at my face nearly as closely as I am.
My fiancé tells me all the time that he doesn't see my acne. He tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me I'm prettiest without makeup.
And I believe him.
But it doesn't change the fact that I have to look at my face every morning.
I have to feel the bumps.
I have to live in this skin.
And sometimes, it just sucks.
I miss my good skin days.
Not necessarily because my skin was perfectly clear.
But because of how I felt when my skin was having a good day.
GOOD SKIN DAY MEGAN is a whole different woman. 😂
I'm putting on my glowy primer and a little blush.
I'm wearing the outfit that makes me feel good.
I'm taking pictures.
I'm showing up on Stories.
I'm high energy.
I'm confident.
I'm ready to conquer the world.
I feel more like me.
And that's what I've realized I miss the most.
Not perfection.
Me.
Before Mandy helped me with my acne, I didn't take many pictures. I didn't want to leave the house without makeup. I caked it on for work and even simply running to the grocery store. I couldn't take photos without a filter. I loved showing up on social media and talking to people about mental health, life, and whatever random thing I was thinking about—but when my acne was really bad, I struggled to do that unless I was fully made up or filtered.
I didn't want anyone to see me without makeup.
I loved makeup, but there were days when I felt like no amount of makeup could make my skin look good.
I spent nights Googling what the hell I was supposed to do.
And I was exhausted.
Then Mandy came into my life and, for a while, my skin became something I didn't have to constantly think about.
That freedom is something I don't think I appreciated enough while I had it.
Now that I'm struggling with my skin again, I understand just how much mental space acne can take up.
And there's something else I've realized:
I don't want to spend the rest of my life constantly second-guessing my skincare.
This is actually one of the reasons I'm so grateful for MaeVora.
Not because using MaeVora magically means I never break out.
Clearly, I'm writing this while still struggling with acne. 😂
But I know I'm doing my skincare right.
I trust the products I'm putting on my face.
I know they're designed with acne-prone skin in mind.
I know I'm supporting my skin barrier instead of constantly attacking it.
And I know I'm getting more age-supportive care than I was getting from the acne-focused products I used before.
Could there be something somewhere that's even better for my skin?
Maybe.
But I don't feel like I need to go hunting for it every time I have a breakout.
And that is a bigger deal than I realized.
Because when you're someone who struggles with acne, there are already a thousand things you can convince yourself might be contributing to it.
Your diet.
Your hormones.
Your environment.
Your makeup.
Your hair products.
Your stress.
Your pillowcase.
Your laundry detergent.
Your towels.
Your everything.
I don't need my skincare to be another question mark.
I need it to be the thing I can trust.
And maybe that's part of what healing looks like for me now.
Not just learning to accept my skin when it isn't clear.
But learning to stop feeling like I have to constantly fix it.
I can be frustrated with my acne without deciding something is wrong with me.
I can want clearer skin without believing clear skin is what makes me beautiful.
I can put on makeup because I want to feel pretty—not because I need to hide.
I can have a breakout and still show up.
I can have a bad skin day and still have a good day.
And maybe most importantly, I can stop treating every breakout like an emergency.
Because I know now that my skincare isn't failing me.
My skin may need other things addressed. My body is complicated. Life is complicated. Acne is complicated.
But I don't have to keep starting over.
I don't have to keep chasing the next product.
I don't have to keep wondering if I've finally found the answer.
I can take care of my skin.
I can give it time.
I can let it be imperfect.
And I can go live my life.
I still want clear skin.
I still want those GOOD SKIN DAY MEGAN moments.
I still want to put on my glowy primer, throw on an outfit that makes me feel good, take a million pictures, and feel like THAT GIRL.
I'm not going to pretend I don't.
But I'm learning that I don't have to spend every day chasing that feeling.
I can take care of my skin without obsessing over it.
I can stay consistent without constantly searching for the next answer.
I can have a breakout without deciding that something has gone wrong.
And maybe that's what I want most right now.
Not to never think about my skin again.
Just to think about it a little less.
To wake up and have other things on my mind.
To get dressed without wondering how my face looks.
To take the picture instead of deleting it.
To put on makeup because I want to—not because I feel like I have to.
To walk out the door and just...
go live my life.
Maybe that's what I'm really hoping for in this season of my skin.
Not perfection.
Just a little more room in my head for everything else.
xo,
Megan
